on bad terms with dad .
extremely affected by this but wont say much .
he left for korea early this morning . told him to have a safe flight with a very stiff voice .
made me sad to hear how cold and emotionless i sounded .
i never want to hear myself speak like that to him again .
school , i dont remember much .
begged ms tay to let me join netball again .
told her the treatments and doing stretching had eased my back discomfort and pain by quite alot so i am actually feeling way better these days but she said no .
she said theres no point cos ill be in the rec team anw since sec twos and better players will take up all the places for next years zonals but my motive wasnt to even play for school ?
i dont have that kind of ambition anymore .
all i wanted was to get back together w teamaties again cos ive drifted apart from them quite a bit and i miss playing netball i guess ?
and im really getting unfit and FAT , fatter i mean
but she said no .
NO .
honestly , besides the whole " im worried you might injure your back again blargh " that she told me which i know is sincere , i know , WE all know its also cos im not a valuable player so losing me is really no biggie .
i guess im cool with that but just sad i guess .
so now ive been unceromoniously dumped in art club .
i dont know what im supposed to do there .
really i dont know how to explain how i feel about this arrangement .
i never get it easy in life so doesnt really come as a surprise i guess .
ho hum .
i felt really down during maths .
not the first time im gonna say this but it really eats me when i realise how much i cant do when it comes to maths .
eats me
really .
and vannyssa said maybe its time i discovered ace learning so ace learning it is ! tomorrow .
sigh .
feel extremely defeated and worn down today .
inside .
had class drama discussion/rehearsal today during VE & after school .
vanny was having a hard time to get the guys to settle down .
a total feat as they are extremely hyped all the time and well we all know how they are like .
she put me as the grown up belinda and i guess i dont really mind all that much since ill only have 2 scenes . which is pretty cool i guess seeing as how i have lack of confidence in front of large audiences and stage fright and lets face it , im not a good actress . hehe
but ill do my best ,
im just really worried that ernest and jeng will burst out laughing when they talk to each other during the acting .
really worried .
dont screw this one up guys !
rushed to hub for HP & half blood prince after that .
jeng bailed on us but i guess he has his reasons so its not a problem .
just hope things arent going too bad for you , if you get my drift .
benson the rock just wanted to go home as usual .
i mean if i had a house like his , i think ill be like that too .
i really talk alot do i .
depressing .
hub closest timings all sold out .
rushed to jubilee and we managed to get seats .
and we saved 50 cents ;] 5.50 only for our tickets .
at least thats something to smile about cos , people and fans of j.k rowling's harry potter , if youre one of them like i am , ill tell you this .
the movie SUCKED .
PERIOD .
firstly the kissing scene was horrible ,
secondly , they messed up and changed lots of stuff and even added in stuff that never appeared in the text (the book)
thirdly , voldemort is described as tall dark handsome and has dark eyes and hollow cheeks with dark glamour and the tom riddle , esp the scene with slughorn in the memory , he looked nothing like it .
he is the nephew of ralph fiennes who plays lord voldy , but who says he could be the child voldy .
where was the voldy tom riddle they used in chamber of secrets .
BAD , so BAD .
and the fighting scene last part should be more active with aurors and death eaters battling in the school and all that hoopla , but it was all missing .
and the dumbest of all , they hardly talked abt the half blood prince .
and slughorn looks nth like slughorn !
and ginny is supposed to be ravishing and cormac is supposed to be irritating and broad and not attractive but its all opposite .
cormac mclaggen was so hot .
thats not the point really but im just saying its not what i pictured really .
and where is fleur and bill ? they never even appeared .
and who said bellatrix and fenrir would set the burrow on fire .
and lupin and tonks only get together at the end !
geez .
a total bummer and mess .
who was the scriptwriter , i'd like to know .
and i couldnt help but laugh at the solemn part of dumbledore lying motionless after snape cursed the avada kedavra and he fell over the battlements but it was funny cos everyone raised their arms and wands and jon told me earlier that day it was like some ndp parade , that kinda stuff , (ok i know you guys dont get it ) but i pictured jon saying that and i looked at it and i just had to hold back the laughter .
sherlyn and nick thought i was crying cos i was covering my face to stop myself from barking .
lol if you understand .
i think i should have watched haunting in connecticut .
i feel bad for j.k. rowling .
oh yes and where was scrimgeour ? never even made a appearance .
ok maybe i should quit insulting the movie but it was a total disappointment .
the trailer made it look so attractive and dark and nice and all but really its nth like it .
shame .
truly .
mus and nick and shi da went home and sherlyn and i went to hub foodcourt cos i was hungry.
so hungry i swear i could have eaten a cow . i think im pregnant with rocks .
not pebbles ernest , rocks .
she left me halfway cos her dad came .
drank bubbletea today after one and a half month .
miserable bus ride home .
reached home , locked myself in the toilet and sang like a total moose .
terrible .
found my sis .
talked to her .
its friday , and all hell breaks loose .
friday after friday , im losing it .
every friday for as long as i can remember .
i hope things will get better in time .
never thought id say this , but thanks for being there for me giulia .
your sister has a really weak mind and is very unsteady and has serious personal issues .
god , help me .
help me love myself .
god , i really want to know how it feels like to feel their love and concern again .
cos real love and unconditional love are two different things to me .
and if anyone out there tells me that people will only accept me when i accept myself , they are damnright wrong about that .
dont tell me that ever .
i will only find true happiness when i can finally accept myself .
im still waiting for that day .
on monday night , i experienced my mother's love , something i havent felt for a long time .
in an open way .
she stayed up the whole night and watched over me and held me as i slept fitfully waking up every hour cos i was in pain .
on wednesday i felt alive and reborn and my heart felt at peace , like nothing could go wrong
after so long .
i felt happy to go back to school and for the first time i woke up thanking god i was alive .
i felt no pain , no jealousy , no hatred , just felt light , happy and at peace with the world .
at that time , i couldnt figure out why i could feel so good when really life was still as bad and tough .
but now its friday and i know .
cos it was feeling safe in my mother's arms again .
it is a sacred thing to me .
i wish never to lose it completely with my mum and dad cos really im losing it slowly .
i never wanted to tell ppl cos i thought they would look down on me or shun me if they knew abt my twisted relationship with my parents but theres no use hiding .
i forgotten what it feels like to be loved .
i dont love myself .
my parents , love me unconditionally but given a choice ,.... btween giulia and me , i know .
look at our sad situation , i know .
my friends.... i dont want to talk abt it . they care for my well being but they dont know half the truth and couldnt care less anyway , its been proven esp to those most dependant on me .
today was the thousandth time i longed to talk to sarah and titi .
if only god knew what great friends had been taken away from me .
i feel so alone these days .
i miss my mum .
i miss my dad .
i miss sarah .
i miss titi .
i miss myself .
people cant tell , but im really very much alone .
to gtb .
and you , i dont know why you do this to me . and so easily too .
after so long . nothing has changed .
i have long given up but i thought that at least i could forget abt it . but it hangs in there like some stubborn stain .
terrible .
to tmgg.
and i really hope you wont seethis as betrayal should you ever find out .
either way , im grateful that its partially over for now .
i can only wish the very best for you .
Labels: i need to stop using paintbrushes .period .