nothing worth writing about but still....
upset and annoyed.
just really sad seeing as how yesterday i cut my hair .
my fringe actually . bangs . well screw them bangs cos it looks so shitty .
i just look really clumsy and a total country bumpkin.
country duck as my mum loves t call .
actually because im fat , i look like a cross between a pumpkin and a BK stacker. bold brave or ballsy. take your pick .
not exaggerating . i dont sound like im kidding do i.
well . i'm stressed cos school starts in three weeks and hell no am i going back like this !
sigh pointless being angry . but i feel so .
i begged my dad to let me shave my head botak so i can regrow everything cos its so
screwed anyway , th colour tones all mixed up cos i dyed it last december and cropped and chopped and butchered my hair as th months went by and now , end product . this .
monstrosity .
i suggested wearing a nice wig . a wig , yes until it grows out .
(and not cutting it till it reaches my elbow)
but of course he said no , im not going to try my luck at becoming th next britney .
so fine , be that way .
i knew it was a crazy idea and my parents ''go by the book'' so i wasnt hoping for anything really.
just in desperation i guess . hmph .
so dear friends , ill really appreciate it if you dont scold or tell me what an idiot i was to cut my fringe , cos i alr know that .
call me a fug , pug , or pumpkin , whatever you do , dont tell me it sucks . ill get madder .
being reminded over and over is like being hit in th face again and again . and . i . dont . like . that .
SIGH !
anyway ,
we brought cookie for grooming too and now he's lost all his fur , botak dog *envy*
he's quite ugly now actually and he knows it too. he whined alot after the shave and i cant blame him ,his fur was his pride . and made him look plump and cute . now he's just skinny and sad. and so am i . two peas in a pod . excellent .
wait im the sad part not th skinny . *laughs*
and well yeah ive been pmsing really bad th past two days .
i threw alot of tantrums , stupid ones .
much to th annoyance of my family . sigh .
first , yesterday i got pissed when my dad called and asked me to come down to centrepoint by train . w my sis .
pissed because my mum and dad have a car , they spend all afternn thr , and when they decide its time for dinner they call me to come down .
on normal occasions i would have not gotten angry .
and then when we reached thr , we ate at crystal jade , th korean one cos my dad doesnt like chinese food and i got really pissed because throughout th whole time thr , those waitresses kept saying hello in korean repeatedly , shrilly loudly and whenever a customer came really . it will just ring out through th whole restaurant every 10 mins . and every other 10 mins , bye bye bye bye ! they will just shout , voices popping out of nowhere .
on a normal day i would have found it cute , but ytd no .
and then i got really pissed cos i asked some ppl about info about sth , and well the first one didnt know , so fine , the second one was too busy to tell me fine . the third one hasnt bothered t reply my msg at all . i dont want to care . maybe i shouldnt go in th first place . ill just feel akward and out of place .i really like some of them , but i can tell some dont like me . and i know when im not wanted . so i wont make a fool of myself by getting involved . anw , the last time i agreed t go to sth like this , i had one of the worst times of my life , although good times too . and i dont want to go through that crap again and well , thr s no link between tt time and this time but to me i feel better to stay away . wont want there to be bad memories or stinking regrets . not like last time .
some things are best kept quiet .
.my road to recovery , bumpy , waiting , becoming , being & finally living .
i dont want to give up on that possibilty . and i know it'll be for real someday .
but its so hard to keep your head when its all over the place like now .
i had what i'd call a relapse today and yesterday and it was triggered by anger and bruised ego , crushed esteem , all , just by one look in th mirror .
i hate it .
i see something i dont like and blame it on th next person for not telling me th truth .
i see something that disturbs me so much and i just throw aside what ive kept going for weeks ,
and lose all . losing my religion ....
losing my religion , losing what i believed in , what i believed would come out of it if i kept going , not pausing to think about why it isnt working , that it'll get better .
it did get better , but it did get worse , now , its worse ,
i let my fears anger wash over me , i gave in and now i feel worse than ever .
i feel sad for myself .
wasted .
and i feel like just giving up .
i dont feel like i belong anywhere .
i feel tired of acting .
i feel envious of those who arent bothered and are happy instead .
i feel so irritated i have inflicted self pity upon myself .
worse than anything else , i feel so alone and frightened and lost .
i feel alone .
i want reassuarance , i want hope , i want to see that beacon of light in th middle of th dark tunnel of never ending horrors and worries drowning me , suffocating me .
i want t cry and scream and hit all those who have left me , laughed at me , spit in my eye .
i want them to take it all back .
if it werent for them , i'd never be like this .
who i am wants to be what i'd been .
now i can only wait and pray hard and hope that this will all slowly some to an end and
that i'll start to pick myself up slowly , and in this process , become a stronger , better person .
ive got no one . im th only chance i'll ever have .
im giving myself one last chance , ive got to get better and find myself again .
because ive got a future to live for .
why arent th happy pills working .